Changing Chapters

One year ago I decided to it was time to take control of my life rather than allow it to control me.  Goals felt like a commodity I couldn’t afford.  Dreams were something from a movie.  Mr. Scrooge and I partnered in our outlook on life.  Bah Humbug!   This journey has been a walk of blind faith.  I won’t rehash what I’ve already discussed in previous posts.  This journey stretched me.  My determination has been tested.  The stubbornness that has always been my nemesis became my companion and friend.

In late July I received a text message alerting me that my dream teaching position may be available.  .  Life presented me with an epic challenge.  Would I dare to imagine my dream could blossom into a reality?  Welcome to the proverbial 11^th hour.  

The next thing I knew Monday morning dawned with an early morning interview.  There were 5 of them and only one of me, but I felt strangely confident and at ease.  Two days, a sleepless night, and 10 chewed nails later I received a phone call from a representative at the ISD HR office informing me that I had been recommended for a position.  We scheduled a time for me to come in, and I requested permission to ask a potentially stupid question.  I asked, “Does this mean I got the job?”  It did, and I do! 

In typical Hannah fashion, my entire life changed in only a few days.  Only a month ago I silently dreamed about teaching this school year.  Tomorrow, I step into the classroom that I painstakingly prepared over the past 16 days.  This year holds adventure, excitement, and exhaustion like I’ve not experienced.  Today I have no children.  Tomorrow I will have 184.  The struggle of this journey holds the massive doubts at bay. 

Tonight I will lay my head down as just another person.  Tomorrow, I’ll wake up a teacher.  My determination endured a boot camp. Now, it enters a war.  Bring it on!

Stepping Stones

Each step takes me closer to the dream.  Precisely at the moment I stand on the brink of caving to my fears, another stone arises and I see the next step.  Excitement propels me forward.  So, I leap.  I land.  I enjoy the moment, and then the doubts seep into my psyche like water slowly flooding a wooded trail.  I am forced once again to compare these raging doubts against the rock of reality.  Slowly, my confidence returns for a moment.  I'm always up for an adventure, but this is real life!


The past month my nails have been nibbled away as I have attempted to patiently await my test scores.  I began to check the site at the two week mark, which was the earliest they could have appeared.  Hope drove me to check daily, but the constant disappointment of no posting eroded my confidence.   Finally, a month later the email appeared in my inbox announcing that the scores had arrived!  Excitement caused my heart to race, then fear increased the pace another notch.  The "what ifs" came like a deluge, and I considered walking away until later.  It was only a momentary thought, and I quickly sought out a semi-private computer to take the plunge.  (Technically, I was at work and not supposed to be checking personal things, but I HAD TO KNOW!  Sorry about that, David.)


I experienced one of those proverbial moments when time stands still.  Seconds feel like hours.  The computer switching from page to page happened more slowly than it had ever happened before.  Then, the PDF file appeared, and I was assaulted by a list of numbers.  I investigated and digested the information before me, struggling to get my mind to engage and cooperate.  I caught my breath.  Could it be true?  I looked again.  If I were in a film, this would be the moment the "Hallelujah Chorus" would have been cued.  I not only passed the test, but excelled!  Insert exhale here.  I spent the rest of the day with my feet barely touching the floor.  I pinched myself just to be sure this was indeed reality.

Now, the victory has sunk in, and I have proceeded to the next step, putting it all into practice.  In only 3 weeks my classes will be completed, and I'll be released into the world of education.  Now, I have to find a teaching position.  Insert freak out here.  This appears to be the biggest leap to date.  However, I confidently say that the Lord has led me each and every step of this journey.  I'm astounded to see how the past 6 months have fallen into place. So, I'll keep stepping one stone at a time.

50/50

**WARNING: I feel some rambling ahead. Consider yourself forewarned.

I never intended it to take me 6 months to process all that has happened in my world to the point that I sat still long enough in my mind, body, and soul, to type another post.  In some ways I still find myself eerily speechless, almost numb. 

In my last post, I indicated that I was making a leap.  I did it.  I jumped, and I'm flying for now.  July 15th I will complete the initial requirements for my teaching certification, and will hopefully begin to teach in August...anywhere.  I'm not going to be particular.  I will merely be pleased with a teaching position.  Looking ahead with a lack of clarity is disconcerting for me.  Change is not my most favorite of things, but is coming and I'm excited-ish about it.  I just wish I already knew where I will be in 3 months.  This is where the trusting part comes.

Any of you who follow me on Facebook know that I have dedicated many of my posts to two sweet two year old girls fighting cancer.  Piper was diagnosed with infantile leukemia at only 6 weeks old, and spent most of her 2 year and 8 months on this earth battling a beast for her life.  Phoebe received her diagnosis on New Year's Day 2012.  An MRI indicated a large mass in her brain, which they removed mere days later.  Pathology reports revealed Phoebe is in the fight of her life against AT/RT cancer, a very aggressive form of cancer.  The doctors suggested to her parents that she has a 50% chance of survival.  This vapid unfairness led me to the question we desperately train ourselves not to ask, "Why?"  Little princesses are not supposed to have to face these battles.  They are supposed to make messes, play dress up, and get dirty! 

As I considered further Phoebe's prognosis, it struck me that each day we all have a 50% chance of survival.  Now, don't think that I'm being morose.  Just stay with me for a minute.  Every day that we wake we face a 50% chance of survival.  The odds are 50/50 that you will make it to bed at the end of the day.  We all face the fact that each day we will live, or we will die.  Most people out run the odds, and live for decades.  Others leave behind families forced to cope with the reality of 50/50.  Two girls with cancer.  Only one left to fight.  50/50. 

Piper's journey on this earth ended April 3 on a sun shinny afternoon.  Phoebe just started round 4 of her chemo treatments, and had some scary days in the ICU herself.  50/50. 

Each day we all face the fact that we will live or die.  Tonight I find myself sobered by the fact that I somewhere feel justified in whining about not knowing what my life will look like in 3 months, while my friend Susana, her husband, and child have to teach themselves to live life without their 4th part.  My other friends, Nathan and Amey, keep vigil with their little Phoebe attempting to continue to nurse life into her body, as poison is poured into it with hopes of killing the wretched monster trying to take another sweet girl.  They have 3 brave boys at home they have to nurture, train, and love while processing the choices of daily life complicated by cancer. 

Their lives were completely derailed in a day, and I'm whining about 3 months?  What is it I'm crying about again?!  My milk isn't even spilled.  It's still in the cup.  I haven't taken a sip of it, but I'm throwing a fit like a 3 year old because I may not like the way it tastes.  Dear Lord, forgive me!

50/50.  Back to that again.  I know this post has been heavy.  Honestly, I am not sorry.  I hope that somewhere in all of this madness something good arises.  Beauty from ashes, as the verse says.  I find myself constantly reminded of the verses in Psalms,
             ^"I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the LORD in
         the land of the living.  Wait for the LORD; be strong and let your heart take courage; yes, wait
         for the LORD." (Psalm 27:13-14) 

I'm not very good at waiting.  Patients has never been very high on my list of virtues.  During this time I shift my focus to gratitude.  I have so much for which to be thankful, and that gives my heart courage.

Fly or Fall

Well, that is a cliff I just leaped from, my friends.  Yep, a secure, solid, comfortable, predictable piece of ground that I just exchanged for unpredictability, the unknown, and the future.  It was an unnoticed step for man, but a giant step for Hannah-kind! 

While change has always been a bad word in my world, it seems to have become my constant over the past 6 months.  The only thing consistent is that everything is changing in my life.  For what I recall to be the first time in my life I'm floating down this river of change rather than exhausting myself fighting against it.  Could this be evidence of change, growth, maturity?  I hope so.  Sure, I still thrive on lists, order, and all things planned, but I have discovered an indescribable peace, internal chill, zen thing going on.  Honestly, it's perplexing and I often wonder if this is some sort of out of body experience.

Tonight I colored outside of my cherished lines and boxes again.  Actually, I'm coloring outside of them in two ways.  First, I applied for acceptance in a teaching certification program to begin in January.  (POTENTIALLY LIFE ALTERING CHANGE!)  Second, I'm acknowledging that I've attempted something before knowing that I've succeeded.  Shocking!  I constantly remain aware of the proverbial foxes running to the edge of my conscious mind in attempt to instigate the usual gnawing fears.  However, I'm doing my best to silence the fears typically accompanying the "What ifs" and unknowns in my world.  I'm reminding myself that I can only do this one step at a time.  I'll make my lists for the things that I can, and do my best not to fret over the things that I can't control anyway.

This is my update.  These are my big steps for now.  This is the latest update in my becoming...me.

Am I flyer or a faller?  I guess we'll see.

Finding the Lights

This evening I have spent more time in front of a computer than I have in weeks.  The only thing that I can attest to as an accomplishment is posting 35 photos to Facebook.  The remainder of the time wasted away as I mulled over how to release from my mind and spirit what is rolling around.  It should not be that challenging, right?  The past few weeks have held life-altering changes.  Surely, there must be something to say about all of that.  So much tumbles in my mind, that I occasionally experience a challenge in expressing my thoughts.  This is precisely where I found myself tonight.  There I was, seated before the computer, time to say whatever it is that I chose, yet unable to articulate it satisfactorily.  Frustration and eventually defeat best described my emotions as I rose from the desk chair headed for my room.

Then something quite simple and profound took place.  I left the computer and went down the dark hallway to my room.  Upon arriving to my bedroom's door, I groped for the light switch.  Instantly the lights turned on both physically and metaphorically!

As many of you know, change is a bad word in my world.  I thrive on lists, order, and all things planned.  Deciding in less than a month to change my world for the second time in less than 2 years was something vastly removed from my definition of ordinary.  But, I did it and I can't say that I regret the move.  This is one of those few times in life when I know I have made the correct decision.  Nope, there are no doubts. 

I adapt well, but adjust slowly.   This new life seems so familiar to me in ways that are perplexing.  Most of my mornings begin with two bony little-boy arms wrapped around my neck while we watch an episode of Sponge Bob before we rise to prepare for school.  My job, though the same title is at a different location, feels comfortable.  Being a daily part of my sister's family feels remarkably normal.  How is it possible that I can feel so at rest when this has been my normal for only two and a half weeks?  My analytical brain struggles to comprehend the peace my spirit seems to have discovered.  So, I choose take a deep breath and enjoy it for once in my life.  I rest in the confidence that the answers will come.   

I'm still distinctly in the process of forming my new life, but I'm moving forward with sure footing.  My eye remains ever focused on my long-term goal.  This time is a season for me.  I'll head to bed content knowing that while I'm still "finding the lights" in my new life, it all seems to be working out.

The Decision is Made

The past 15 months provided some of the most challenging of my 30 years.  I experienced somewhat of an identity crisis.  Most of my teen years were spent dreaming of one adventure or another, all things I supposed it would take a life time to accomplish.  Ever the over achiever, It only took me a mere decade to blow through them.  This left me with the question, "Now what?" resounding in my mind.

My entire life changed in May 2010.  Blog posts over the past months reveal some of the struggles this latest path of the adventure called my life have brought.  I've struggled to look deeper into myself, my relationship with God, my relationship with my family and friends in attempt to find the answers to the resounding question. 

Through all of this digging and searching I discovered that one of my biggest dreams has not yet been attempted.  This dream is one of the most scary for me to attempt because of the colossal leap it will require.  In order to do this, I will have to run and jump off of a cliff with the faith that I will fly.  Through all of this self-searching I have also discovered that the previous decade provided me the confidence to know that I can do it.  My mother has told me for years that the problem with me has never been a question of possibility, but rather a question of desire.  There are very few things that I have not accomplished once making up my mind that I wanted to do it. 

I have at last settled on where to channel my proverbial "want to".  One of my greatest desires since I was a young teen has been to be a missionary in Southern Germany, which morphed into a desire to teach English.  Well my friends, after much prayer I have decided to do it!  Do not get terribly excited yet as I will not jump on a plane tomorrow.  However, I have a plan of action! 

The end of October I will relocate to Wichita Falls, where I intend to live for approximately one year.  During this time I will work as much as possible while studying to get my TESOL certification, enhance my German speaking abilities, and make preparations to move to Germany.  All of the details will fall into place as the time is right.  I have such peace in my spirit and soul since reaching this decision, or giving into it seems more appropriate. 

A dear friend compared my journey over the past months to that of the book Hinds Feet on High Places written by Hannah Hurnard.  I was amused when she made this comparison because it happens to be one of my favorite books.  I am in the process of rereading it once more, and recommend it for any of you.

I feel once again that my life has a direction.  The out of body experience the last 15 months has been is over at last, and I feel like myself once more.  Stay tuned for further details as they unveil. 

THIS IS THE GREAT ADVENTURE!

The Power of Children's Songs

Change is my least favorite feeling in the world, but confusion runs a very close second.  Various announcements about things going on in my friends' lives over the past few days have left me asking questions.  The resounding questions are the ones that will ever remain rhetorical.

Leading the pack is "Are you kidding me?" question.  Then, follows the "What can I do/How can I help?" inquiry.  Then comes, "Why, Lord?" the grandfather of them all, and the one which most frequently remains unanswered.  Maturity taught me that I do not always have to have the answers, and that is acceptable.  

So, here I am asking these questions all over again.  "I just don't get it," resounds in my mind like an echo in a canyon.  I do not have the answers, but I have the comfort of knowing that I do not have to.  Selfishly I change the childhood song to, "He's got MY whole world in His hands," and somewhere a valve is opened that releases all of the emotions I dislike to be overtaken by a feeling of security.

He's got YOUR whole world in His hands too!